I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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