New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
