Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
COCAINE IS GR8
So here I am, sexting at work.
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