i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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