i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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