The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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