I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
