my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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