watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
