Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
