On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
