So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
