You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
