3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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