I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
