I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
