I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
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You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
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You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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