I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
