He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
