you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i drank out of a bidet.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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