i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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