god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize