I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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