My girlfriend figured out who you are.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
