but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
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I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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