Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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