My underwear smells like fireworks.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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