dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
