No awkward lesbian experiences without me
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
the day after is always just damage control
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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