did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
