I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
