He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
