she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
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We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
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I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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