im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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