i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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