I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
