somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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