I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
