OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
