I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
