I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
