I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
