peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
