I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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