After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
