apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
