You can't special order awesome
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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