I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
