Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
