So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
