you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
And then he peed in my hair
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