i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
