if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
