You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
oh god was she eating orange peels again
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Randomize
