i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
