We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
